Seven years ago, I sat in a speech-language pathology diagnostic evaluation room with the most precious family. They had eight children, including two through adoption. I was waiting to bring Owen home from Russia, and I shared with the sweet mother Valerie just how much I wanted to be a mother and how we were adopting. She shared her adoption story with me and also shared that she had TEN babies in Heaven. I got tears in my eyes as I knew the pain of losing THREE babies but couldn't imagine the heartache of going through miscarriage 10 times.
Well, three adoptions and one biological preemie baby later, I know what ten miscarriages feels like. It's been over a year since our last baby went to Heaven, but I never forget.
I Will Never Forget
I will never forget the joy in that first positive pregnancy test.
I will never forget telling my husband he was going to be a Daddy.
I will never forget surprising our parents for the first time.
I will never forget that first doctor's appointment, seeing our baby for the first time.
I will never forget how giddy I was to be in the pregnancy club, walking out of the office full of pregnant women with my husband by my side, carrying our pamphlets about pregnancy and what to expect.
I will never forget that second appointment when I heard those three words that pierced my heart like never before, "I'm so sorry."
I'll never forget the tears in my doctor's eyes.
I'll never forget walking out of the office, through the room full of glowing pregnant mothers, sobbing with mascara running down my cheeks.
I'll never forget the brokenness, the way my heart physically ached for months and months.
I'll never forget that feeling of failure, the feeling that I should be able to carry a baby, that women were born for this, but yet my body didn't work.
I will never forget the anxiety that came with the next positive pregnancy tests, the way the joy of pregnancy was gone forever.
I will never forget crying out to God, "Why, Lord? Why? Why can't I have the thing I want more than anything in the world? What is your Will for me?"
I will never forget letting go, placing it all in God's hands.
I will never forget the day Bennett was born and the 200 days of "He could still die" in the NICU that followed.
I will never forget the babies that came to the NICU and never went home.
I will never forget watching a mother clinging to her baby, crying over him for hours, not ready to let him go.
I will never forget leaving the hospital with Bennett, carrying him out with his oxygen tank and heart and oxygen monitors, feeling guilt and sadness for the mother whose baby's crib was across from our Bennett but wouldn't survive.
I will never forget all of the women I've walked with through this pain and loss.
Someday we will hold our babies in Heaven, and until then, we will never forget.
There are many parents in this world who have babies in Heaven, some who never held their children and others who held their children and then had to say goodbye. This month is the month we raise awareness and remember the babies who aren't here on earth with us. If you know someone who has lost a baby or child, take a moment let them know you love them and are sorry for their loss. The pain is real, and we never forget.